Supernova
by scathingsarcasm
Summary: An angsty piece about the evolution and breakdown of a relationship between Badass!Phil and Selectivitymute!Dan. Happy ending. Angsty descriptions and lots of star talk. "You are a supernova, a bright, beautiful principle in my life and you held me as if I was one too. "


Disclaimer: I do not own Dan and Phil.

Please review and give me some lovely constructive criticism.

My sock slavered feet stand drenched in mud, as worms wither against my toes, intertwining unpleasantly. Once sky covered socks are darkened and smeared in an utter absence of colour. My shoes are left alone with my logic in the dust. It's your mud my feet are covered in, as I'm standing in your garden. I shiver as the wind wraps around my lithe form, it caressing me with its icy fingers, it's tips crawling up my spine, crawling every closer to my head. My vodka warmed blood doing nothing to fight off the chill, leaving me utterly venerable under its hands.

Blades of grass flickered on the horizon as they were caressed by the light breeze that run riot among us. Battering souls and blades of grass without any discrimination. Making the leaves dance along the branches that covered the top of us. The twigs holding on tightly to the leaves as if they were frightened the breeze would steal them, so the twigs were pulled along for the ride. Even the clouds above seemed disturbed by the dancing athletic breeze.

The stars in this moment are mocking me with their light, as they seem to shine on while I only seem to emanate darkness. I want to scream out to them, to hate them for this fact. But years of existential crisis have warmed me to the fact that the universe doesn't care about your voice, it doesn't care about your anger, your dissatisfaction, or your loss, so I remain silent. Because either way my words mean nothing to the vast expanse of ever growing space. My words equal nothing to the oblivion that is the world beyond myself, to the dark swirling mass which flames with millions, upon billions of fire lit lights beyond this world of blue and green. But that doesn't make this pain within me feel anymore meaningless, but it should. But then again maybe meaning is organic, or objective, maybe it is just a subjective mass of what calls out from oblivion to you and affect's you and wraps itself seamlessly into your life. Maybe we have our own sense of meaning and maybe so does the universe

And it is these thought's that bring me to your garden. Because you hold a heavy ever living and deep meaning to me. A meaning that spans so deep in to my life (A life that is so twisted and magnetised to my own that without you I feel incomplete.) that I find myself bare foot and drunk on your water feed grass.

These dark moments were sparse between us, but lately they were the echo that followed us. But even in this darkness behind my eyes I can still see the light, to do so I only have to flick my mind back a few months.

Diamond back lit stars stared out from the bleak resurrection of the midnight velvet draped sky. The inkblot clouds hazing their path of light off course, preventing their vast light from touching down to us. But no matter how little of the heaven sent light drifted its course down to us I could feel the omnipresent impression of its fiery light on my skin. Years of looking up to the blackened abyss allowed me to see them even when the stage curtain of the clouds shadowed them I could picture them clearly in my head. As if the course of the stars lay hidden within my mind's eye, lingering long after the images had gone through their stages and courses, their energies moving on shifting until new distant fires appeared. I glanced up eyes capturing the pair of evanescent sapphires which seemed to gleam under their own light. Your eyes were in fact never shadowed, your cobalt eyes seemed to emanate their own illuminations. Stark ribbons of color's flared around black pupils framing them in various shades of blue. Multishades, which seemed to all blur into an instant re-enactment of the pure sky.

I moved the muscles of my lower jaw, pestering the movement of my mouth, hoping that they would produce sound. None, followed. This was my curse, sounds hardly ever passed the wall of mouth. The words stuck to the roof of my mouth, before being clamped down before my lips, being slowly bound tightly by ropes of nerves holding them back from release. The clamping down of my lips created a vacuum in which no sound could escape. Most days in your presence words pass easily, even if they were merely whispered in light breeze like tones. You are very much like the stars themselves, your utter nature was imprinted within my mind. It sounded cheesy, but I knew him better than I knew myself. Words normally flowed as easily as water throughout a river between the two of us. But today I faulted in this department. My lips holding them in tight, keeping them from flowing with their normal fluidity. Selective mutism. That was what plagued me, normally it was the normal population which had the words freeze within my mouth. Normally the years we'd shared kept the trust between us flowing freely, as though the years shared had presented the smooth sediment in which our fluid words flew ever freely.

As my words froze I avoided your gaze, it was currently probing and probably worried. He always was when I failed to produce words to him. You were one of the few who had ever heard my voice, it worried you clearly when it was stolen from him. My eyes instead lingered on the city lights, which today seemed to outshine the blurred hazy light of the stars. The lights glimmered and blinked as though they themselves were looking back at me, as though the conscious eye line was mirrored in more ways than simply glimmering lights. Car lights bobbed and weaved through out the other lights, creating specks of light which interweaved with all the others before turning away becoming their own independent sources. They were two distinct sources of light, the harbor and the bay. The bay was garland in lights, small dim lights which hung liberally over the tops of boats. Lights which hung in the water as well as the land, ripples of the them leapt over the deep dank water to flow happily on their own. The other lights came from the small shops, small pale yellow flames which twirled slightly. The biggest source came from the Neptune pub.

The bay on the other hand held far more blinding, blinking white light. The residential area, new and up and coming delivering fresh haunts of light which came to unite in the blinding force. This light source a supernova among stars, bright new, but not really new it was the inward explosion of time. The harbour was a dwarf star, small and yellow and deceivingly old.

You'd shifted by now, plain in front of my face. I'd expected nothing less of you. You'd always been protective of me, worried over the slightest dent to my being. Worried by the slightest hair out of place. I knew it was out of care that you worried, It bothered me on a level that was literally nothing. In fact I rather liked it, I enjoyed knowing I was a key element within your world. The feeling of your protective nature often embraced me in a tight diligent embrace. It made me feel covered in your essence. In short, I loved it really. It swept over me covering me in care, the way the ocean embraces the shore. The shore itself sat situated a few meters from us, as we sat dead in the middle of the bay and the harbour. The stone flooring indenting itself in to my side as I lay facing the distant fires and electric beams of light. As your face only caved more in to concern as you still got no real response from me, I decided now I'd put this caving in of your face to rest. I pulled my hands from the warm inner lining of my hoodie to quickly shape the few words needed to ease his features.

_I'm fine, really._

You quickly pull your own hands from the depths of your own jacket, a black leather piece which covered your lean form perfectly. Your slim hands shaped your own words. Words you'd learnt merely for me. So that when words failed me, he could still understand me perfectly.

_We both know that's a lie._

The words seemed harsh, but they were delivered with a smile.

_No, really. I'm fine. Just thinking._

I uttered the phrase once more, this once with more conviction and more reality. I often allowed myself to be swayed away from the shore with by the shifting ocean of my own mind. I shook my head finally, releasing myself from the drowning motion of them. I allowed myself to float gently emptily along the salt saturate of my thoughts. Letting the heavier of them go, so that I was no longer drowning under them. Now, simply floating in the free flow of them. I enjoyed myself to simply enjoy your presence under the twinkling lights, both the heaven sent and earthly.

If I ever try and return to the chapter in which this thing between us started I always find myself losing my place. It is as if there was no beginning, just this slow metamorphosis. From friends to something more, to whatever the hell we are not. We're not dating, that's not what this thing between us is. We're not best friends anymore. We're something more. We have sex, we fuck. But we also spend most of our lives within touching distance of the other. I also spend a large amount of my life with your arms slipped around my middle. Alabaster skinned arms holding me tightly. I felt safe between them. As if the world around me didn't matter anymore and I suppose it didn't. There was a time we weren't this close, when the divide between us was more than physical. My first years of my teenaged life were spent at Saint Edmunds, now, don't get me wrong. Most the people there were fine. But there was a group of idiots who believed that my mutism was a punishment for my homosexuality. Yeah, that was not a great time in my life. I'd leave the school and go to my dorm and in the time in-between I'd be painted black and blue. My skin twisting in colour the way the clouds do during a storm, my skin becoming inky blue with shades of black framing the slender frame. They'd wait until I was painted a faded yellow and then do the exact thing again, as if they were slowly working to create a morbid masterpiece from the watercolours of my skin. Their passionate hate imprinting itself on me brush stroke, by brush stroke. Kick by kick.

I was forced to leave once my mum finally found out about the up and coming masterpiece flourishing under my skin. That and the fact the'd broken my nose. But, the other comment was more poetic, so let's go with that. That's when I'd transferred to your school. That's not when we met mind you, we'd been friends for about eleven years by that point. I still have the way your features fell when I signed about the abuse imprinted in to my mind forever. I couldn't force the sickening words from my lips, their jaded edges caught in my throat and left me feeling like I was choking. Each small stroke and flourish of my hand seemed to shatter a bit more of your normally bright facade. As if slowly each word cut straight through a piece of him.

So this is how I ended up with the safely of your arms around my sides for a large portion of my life. I think you fear letting me go, as if leaving me for a second would kick start a past that was better forgotten.

You are a supernova, a bright, beautiful principle in my life and you held me as if I was one too. For those moments and those moments onward we were fine, we were perfect. Well for a few years, but things degenerated between us.

We would fight. All the time. But the worse one was the one fight that ended with me toe deep in your dirt. We'd fought about a week ago, well six days and around five hours. Not that I'm counting or anything, I feel my features sneer at this idea, as though even my biology is mocking my inability to lie about my feelings. Especially those including the mist of you, you always clouded my logic in that way, my logic and even my lies.

Since we'd spat words at the other six violet coloured star spangled nights had passed. The stars calling out to us lit up like diamonds. I'd seen them six times since I'd seen you. I know everything is my fault. The marks on my body weren't yours and that was the problem, which was our problem.

I allowed his arms to wrap around me, his fingers pressed deep into the skin of my neck, biting the soft sensitive skin slightly. In the morning while soaked in regret and flickering between self-loathing and wistfulness I found the crescent moon shapes that are deep in to my skin along parallel shoulder blades. Teeth graze down on to my neck drawing out a deep throaty moan, I felt him painting me purple with his lust, his teeth pressing hungrily into my neck, before his tongue sweeps over the mark lavishing the deep violet mark in attention. Moans trickled out of my throat with each little nip of his teeth against my skin, as his large tanned hands graze southwards down my body. Stroking me affectingly, before his hands turned needy and desperate as he left me grasping at the sheets. His mouth covering me and bringing me easily to ecstasy. I feel nothing as white noised bliss flares out and I merely focus on his movements. His movements blocking out any lingering feelings as he takes me to a higher level of bliss which his experienced tongue.

I allowed him to take me as I still couldn't be around you, your eyes were still to foreign and that moment still played over and over like a movie behind my eyelids. My feelings linger long after I leave your presence and seep in to his. I want to feel everything, but I also want to feel nothing.

It isn't him that I want, but it is him that I get. It is you I wish was breaking in to me, making my breath short and making me whimper. But it's not. It's not you parting my cheeks and pounding into me, it's not your hands that rake my sides. I wish it was, but it's not. We tensed as we come apart together and then his arms lay around me as he sidles up to me, we sleep for a few hours before I slip my shoes on and slip away from the door. I didn't stay, I couldn't force myself to lie there, sleep only filling my time for a hands count of moments. I couldn't stare at the ceiling any more the while veined patterns blur together too much and there is not enough colour in the room; No head ache inducing blues, greens and yellows; There was no posters which should line the walls, eyes trained on various corners of the room as bleak stares propionate from their faces; No soft toys with glass or plastic eyes; No towers of DVD's various titles in various colours creating a weird twisted and slightly wrong rainbow.

This room is not enough and it's not what I want, but it's where I am. My shoes creaked over bare wood stairs (Which simply stand as another example of how this place is wrong.) as I make my now light footed escape.

I felt the sea of self loathing seep in to my skin, covering me in ways the firm breeze fails to, I felt his finger tips linger in the form of bruises, I still feel them spread beneath my jumper, flared against my skin. I linger on the bus, I miss my stop on purpose no wanting to return home quite yet, because I know you'll be there, the text which lies unanswered on my phone confirms this. I walk the remaining meters to home, the clear skies doing little to clear my mind. My footsteps in this moment feel more like a death march than the actual movement of feet.

We said nothing as our eyes meet, the days between us has translated to miles and I have never felt more distant to you. In that moment I am the harbor and you are the bay, our points are divided my miles of deep darkness. Your eyes linger on the purple teeth marks that linger over my neck, my eyes linger on the purple stains under your eyes.

But I suppose there are two aspects to this story, two sides of the same coin. Two scripts of the same play, two aspects to a story. I was not the only one at fault, you were too. I don't blame you, not really. It was a game we played, but this time I lost.

We had started to argue, but it was worse than just words. See when you know each other in the depth that we do, words don't just hurt, they scar. Each fight, each word is almost etched in to out very skin with the damage we do to each other, each small metaphorical scar a phrase, or word we have thrown at the other. When our fights end it is not just words that are left between us it is miles, we are drifting apart. Words which sometimes escape me find me easily as I thrown just as many sharp edges comments to you as you do me. But a few times you have left me speechless and not in the way you used to. In these moments we are not supernovas, or nebulas we do not create and we are not something beautiful. No, in these moments we are black holes and all we do reduce the other to shreds as we steal more and more away from the other.

The eyes which once seemed so bright are now covered in shadows as the purple that lines your eyes deepens with every lingering war of words. As we argue even the lights across the bay and harbour seem dimmer, they lights lost to the inherit darkness. Our sanctuary is stolen by the darkness around us, tainted. The very place which was once out heaven turns to hell, as we throw words at the other among the pebbles along the shore. It started over nothing, but now it's evolved. Harsh sharp edged words shouted in the darkness, thrown out to the universe as we tear the other apart once more. I hate every moment of it, but I cannot seem to silence myself until you manage to do if for me.

_"__Things would be so much easier if you weren't such a_**_freak_**_."_

The second the word leaves your mouth we both pull identical faces, features turned out in shock. It settles between us making the air around us heavy and stale. It lingers and we're both silent. No puckered apologies from you and no words or hate or aggression from me, Mere silence which seems to flow between us down to the wave washed beach, the sound of the sea clawing at the sand is not the only propionate sound, car sounds and far off voices mix in but they are all lost to the sea. Time seems to have frozen between us as if even it itself is hesitant to proceed. Once warm sapphires have turned to ice and I imagine my eyes have altered somewhat, because no matter how many words we have scarred the other with none have ever drew this deep. Other words were a scratch, but this once was a gaping wound. Our held breaths fall and mingle in to each other as they linger in the chilled air, but in this moment there if more than just our breaths between is. That is the moment your ice frozen eyes leave my eye line, I can't look up to those eyes in this moment. Those eyes are of the person who loves me, of the person who is my rock in a life where the course is never easy. But here, right now, they are not the eyes I recognize and they are not eyes I want to look in to any more. My eyes find the pebbled floor and don't leave it.

I knew you don't mean it, we both do. It's a word of aggression and a sign of the edge of the darkness that we have reached. But that doesn't make the pain that flares up sink away, it only makes it flow stronger, because such a word from you is so unimaginable. After all the words that others have thrown at me, even after all the punches at St Edmunds threw, nothing has ever hurt like this. I know it is just words and I know that you don't mean it, but in that moment the pain I feel is physical. It's a flaring mass of neurons which spark feelings which make we want to sweep, it hurts more than any bruise, any cut I've ever had. It feels as if the very word itself has wedged itself under my skin, tearing it apart, leaving my skin bare and allowing a flow of ruby blood to flow freely. I know this is nonsense, but it is that pain that causes me to walk away that night. I wonder from the darkness that is now us, into the light which emanates from the harbor, hoping the illuminated light from the ships might find its way to me and eventually to us.

As I sat bathed in the light I allowed it to wash over me, like the sea over the shore. I felt someone approach me, their light as bright as the ships. I knew it wasn't you and in that moment that fact alone make me feel brighter.

And these reasons were the ones that brought me to the edge of your house, toes in mud. Clothes slicked and clinging to my skin, holding me in their icy grip.

My numb blue tinged fingers pulled out my I-phone from my dark jeans. Pulling it out and texting you, the few years I spewed not adequate enough to sum up my feelings. To pull you from the darkness of the black whole and back in to the supernova that we were together. Words always fail me, but now they falter me more than ever. But they summon you nonetheless. Your sapphire eyes out shine the stars as I am pulled in to them. My tounge ties as I see you in person for the first time in six star light days.

"Dan…" Yours words linger in the space between us.

"I…." My words condense elsewhere in the chilled midnight air and my brain cannot keep up with the loss of them. My hands shake as I pull them back up from the innards of my pockets.

"I am so sorry. Really. I am so sorry that I did that to you, I know that things are not right between us, I know that we don't even know what us is. But I am sorry for ever hurting you, I was foolish and it is cruel that you have to pay for my foolishness. But I was hurt and I made a mistake and I regret it. Every second of it, but it happened and I wish I could take it back. But I cannot, I cannot take back time. I cannot hit the rewind button on my life and save you from my mistakes. But I can say I am sorry and if you forgive me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for any hurt I have caused you. I will do anything to save you from hurting anymore. I will be your servant. I would be your slave. I will work for the rest of my life to save you from this. I will do anything, but I really want you to forgive me. Because no matter what 'us' is I want to save it and I want to be in your life…" My hands drop. The chill finally pulling the words from even them. Words were once never an issue around you. Now, they are one of many issues around you.

My words now seem to fall in to place, "_Phil, you are the light in my life. You are the star that brings life to my life, light to my skin, light to my eyes, you make my heart beat and my skin tingle. You are the supernova in my life, you are the brightest thing in my life and I do not want to lose you_." I feel my own eyes gloss over, crystal like tears crawl over my eye lids. You blur in my vision, the darkness around you dragging you away from me, I hope not forever. I hope it will clear and the darkness will evaporate.

"Dan…I forgive you." As you speak I feel your arms wrap around me and I feel the darkness in my mind clear. Your arms holding me firm once more, I feel once more at home in your hands. In that moment I felt like titanium, I felt untouchable. And for the first time in years I felt happy. I felt happy between the towers which were your arms.

I feel you pull back and I pull up a smile from my lips, one that echoes yours. I reach out for you cheek and pull your lips towards mine. Your soft plush lips pressing lightly on my own and my mind goes blank and the darkness fades, as light beams in for ever corner leaving the darkness no choice but to surrender and to be drowned out.


End file.
